| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Cock Block | 6 | -2.00 (-33.33%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 10 | +2.00 (20.00%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 10 | +1.00 (10.00%) | |
| D | John Terry | 9 | +1.00 (11.11%) | |
| D | Fucking Skillz | 5 | +2.00 (40.00%) | |
| D | Ryan Bertrand | 4 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Frank Lampard | 11 | -2.00 (-18.18%) |  |
| M | Cristiano Messi | 10 | +2.00 (20.00%) | |
| M | Lucas Piazon | 8 | +3.00 (37.50%) |  |
| S | Healthy Fastfood | 9 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| S | Robin van Ronaldo | 4 | +1.00 (25.00%) | |
| R | Jesus Claus | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Juan Mata | 6 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Miguel Afonso | 5 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| 7.50 | +8.00 (7.62%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -2.00 (-28.57%) | 7 | Alan Johnson | K | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 9 | Toni Nextdoor | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 6 | Nancy America | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 5 | Big Suze | D | |
| -3.00 (-33.33%) | 9 | Football Related Fred | M | |
| -1.00 (-12.50%) | 8 | Mensa Gail | M | |
| -1.00 (-12.50%) | 8 | Mark Corrigan | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 6 | Super Hans | M | |
| +1.00 (50.00%) | 2 | Mat Aris Darus | M | |
| -1.00 (-12.50%) | 8 | Fucking Hell Frankel | S | |
| +1.00 (25.00%) | 4 | Strapon Michelle | S | |
| -1.00 (-20.00%) | 5 | Fine Ass Elena | R | |
| -7.00 (-9.09%) | 6.42 |