| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Naked Jeff | 9 | +1.00 (11.11%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 9 | +2.00 (22.22%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 9 | +1.00 (11.11%) | |
| D | John Terry | 8 | +2.00 (25.00%) |  |
| M | Frank Lampard | 10 | -2.00 (-20.00%) | |
| M | Lucas Piazon | 8 | +1.00 (12.50%) | |
| M | John Keogh | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Jimmy McDonald | 6 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Juan Mata | 4 | +1.00 (25.00%) | |
| S | Healthy Fastfood | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| S | Daniel Sturridge | 4 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Cristiano Messi | 9 | 0.00 (0.00%) |  |
| R | Group Sex | 8 | +2.00 (25.00%) | |
| R | Jesus Claus | 7 | -1.00 (-14.29%) | |
| 7.64 | +7.00 (6.54%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -3.00 (-33.33%) | 9 | Sophie Chapman | K | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 9 | Jeff Heaney | D | |
| +1.00 (12.50%) | 8 | Toni Nextdoor | D | |
| +1.00 (20.00%) | 5 | Nancy America | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 4 | Big Suze | D | |
| -1.00 (-25.00%) | 4 | Aryan Daryl | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 8 | Mensa Gail | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 8 | Mark Corrigan | M | |
| -2.00 (-25.00%) | 8 | Football Related Fred | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 5 | Super Hans | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 7 | Fucking Hell Frankel | S | |
| -2.00 (-28.57%) | 7 | It Dobby | R | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 4 | Fine Ass Elena | R | |
| -6.00 (-6.98%) | 6.62 |