| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Alan Johnson | 6 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| D | Jeff Heaney | 9 | +1.00 (11.11%) | |
| D | Toni Nextdoor | 8 | +2.00 (25.00%) |  |
| D | Nancy America | 5 | +1.00 (20.00%) | |
| D | Big Suze | 4 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Mensa Gail | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Football Related Fred | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Mark Corrigan | 8 | -3.00 (-37.50%) | |
| M | Super Hans | 5 | +1.00 (20.00%) | |
| M | Stefan Strauss | 3 | -1.00 (-33.33%) | |
| S | Fucking Hell Frankel | 7 | +2.00 (28.57%) | |
| R | Aryan Daryl | 4 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| 6.25 | +3.00 (4.00%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -2.00 (-40.00%) | 5 | Cock Block | K | |
 |
0.00 (0.00%) | 9 | Branislav Ivanovic | D |
| -1.00 (-12.50%) | 8 | Group Sex | D | |
| -2.00 (-25.00%) | 8 | John Terry | D | |
| -1.00 (-10.00%) | 10 | Frank Lampard | M | |
| -3.00 (-33.33%) | 9 | Cristiano Messi | M | |
| -2.00 (-25.00%) | 8 | John Keogh | M | |
| -1.00 (-16.67%) | 6 | Jimmy McDonald | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 4 | Juan Mata | M | |
|
-1.00 (-14.29%) | 7 | Jesus Claus | S |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 4 | Daniel Sturridge | S | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 8 | Healthy Fastfood | R | |
| -1.00 (-12.50%) | 8 | Lucas Piazon | R | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 4 | Fucking Skillz | R | |
| -14.00 (-14.29%) | 7.00 |