| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Shaun Rowett | 8 | -2.60 (-32.50%) | |
| D | Manfred Hausmann | 9 | -0.60 (-6.67%) | |
| D | Jayjay McLovin | 8 | +0.30 (3.75%) |  |
| D | Jayjay McMuffin | 7 | -0.40 (-5.71%) |  |
| D | Nemo Brown | 6 | +0.30 (5.00%) | |
| D | Borat Sagdiyev | 5 | +0.50 (10.00%) | |
| M | Indiana Jones | 8 | -1.20 (-15.00%) | |
| M | Jeff Stelling | 7 | -1.10 (-15.71%) | |
| M | Double Andimsold | 6 | -0.60 (-10.00%) | |
| S | Alan Shearer | 7 | -2.40 (-34.29%) | |
| S | Ollie Guy | 6 | -1.30 (-21.67%) | |
| R | Joshua Davison | 7 | -0.60 (-8.57%) | |
| R | Lauren Ledsham | 6 | -0.20 (-3.33%) | |
| 6.92 | -9.90 (-11.00%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -0.90 (-11.25%) | 8 | Allan McGregor | K | |
| -0.20 (-2.86%) | 7 | Francis MacLeish | D | |
| -0.60 (-10.00%) | 6 | Group Sex | D | |
| +0.40 (8.00%) | 5 | John Terry | D | |
| -1.50 (-18.75%) | 8 | Frank Lampard | M | |
| -3.40 (-42.50%) | 8 | John Keogh | M | |
| -3.70 (-46.25%) | 8 | Jesus Christ | M | |
| -0.50 (-8.33%) | 6 | Cristiano Messi | M | |
| -1.40 (-35.00%) | 4 | Nympho Maniac | M | |
| -1.40 (-23.33%) | 6 | Healthy Fastfood | S | |
| -1.40 (-35.00%) | 4 | Matias Cesar | S | |
| -0.80 (-11.43%) | 7 | Captain Fishfingers | R | |
| -15.40 (-20.00%) | 6.42 |